Modern Family

Discovering our true selves through differentiation

12/30/2018

Luke 2:41-52 Each year Jesus’ parents went to Jerusalem for the feast of Passover, and when he was twelve years old, they went up according to festival custom. After they had completed its days, as they were returning, the boy Jesus remained behind in Jerusalem, but his parents did not know it. After three days they found him in the temple, sitting in the midst of the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions, and all who heard him were astounded at his understanding and his answers. And he said to them, “Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house?” But they did not understand what he said to them. He went down with them and came to Nazareth, and was obedient to them; and his mother kept all these things in her heart. And Jesus advanced in wisdom and age and favor before God and man.

Recently Fr. Stephen and I were discussing the psychological phenomenon of differentiation. Now, differentiation is more than just trying to be different, as the word suggests. It really means becoming your own unique self, everything God planned, and hoped and dreamed you would become one day, and that process takes our whole life. But the first step of this self-realization requires sort of setting ourselves apart from others. I would like first to describe first an unhealthy way of doing that, and then a holy way of doing that.

A little humor will help us understand the unhealthy way of differentiation. As you know, colors are very significant and symbolic in the Catholic religion. This is especially true when a pope dies and all the cardinals congregate in the Sistine Chapel to elect the next successor of St. Peter. People all over the world stare intently at a small chimney poking out of the roof of the Sistine Chapel to see what color smoke billows out. If the smoke is “black,” then the cardinals have not elected a new pope. If the color of the smoke is “white,” you know we have a new pope. If the color of the smoke is “green” then it means Willie Nelson got into the conclave. I’m sorry, I really like Willie Nelson. That would be unhealthy differentiation that leads not to self-realization but really to self-destruction.

The opposite kind of differentiation – the healthy and holy kind – is described in the gospel of Luke. The Holy Family travels to Jerusalem and the twelve year old Jesus stays behind, not to be disobedient to his parents, but to differentiate from his parents. Let me point out three characteristics of Jesus’ behavior that are definitely signs of differentiation. First, Jesus questions some of his parents’ assumptions and customs, and starts to develop his own new value system. Devout Jews like Mary and Joseph would have stayed in Jerusalem for the seven days of Passover, and returned home afterwards. But the fact that Jesus broke from that tradition and stayed longer symbolizes his desire for differentiation, and the evolution of his own ego. He longs to go beyond the seven days of the old creation (that ended on Saturday, the Jewish Sabbath), and enter the eighth day of the new creation (that started on Sunday, the day of the Resurrection). He didn’t stay behind in the Temple to be a rebel, but rather to reveal something new about himself and God’s plan of salvation.

Secondly, Jesus longs to linger in his Father’s house and to learn his Father’s will by discussing spiritual matters with spiritual masters. Jesus discovers deeper joy and inner peace in doing God’s will even more than doing his parents’ will, and ultimately even in doing his own will, which he will give up in the Garden of Gethsemane. Differentiation means more than just doing what you want; it ultimately means doing what God wants.

And thirdly, he taps his talents, his hidden strengths and potentialities. Luke writes: “They found him in the temple, sitting in the midst of the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions, and all who heard him were astounded at his understanding and his answers.” By the way, that’s how I often feel around Fr. Stephen, who actually described differentiation to me. That baby priest is a lot different from this old priest. When Jesus draws upon his talents, he takes a decisive step of differentiation. Jesus cannot become fully what his Father has ordained him to be until he sets himself apart from his parents and his past.

Let me try to apply this biblical blueprint for healthy differentiation to ourselves as Catholic Christians living in the twenty-five century. First of all, it is good to question some of your parents’ assumptions and customs. Do not be afraid to ask the question “Why do we do this?” and do not easily accept the answer, “Because we’ve always done it that way.” So many of our RCIA candidates who come from different religious backgrounds are questioning their parents’ traditions and starting to seek their own path. Like the boy Jesus in the Temple, they seek to discuss spiritual matters with spiritual masters, like Peggy Brandebura.

Secondly, ask what God’s will is for your life, and not just what your will is for your life. This is especially true when you discern a vocation – marriage, priesthood, religious life, single life – what does God want you to do? God knows what is best for you because he made you; he wired you. Stephen Covey, who wrote The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, said, “When you get to the top of the ladder of success, you don’t want to find it’s leaning against the wrong wall.” God’s will is the right wall to lean your ladder against.

Thirdly, tap your talents and strengths and potencies to make a difference in this world. Use your gifts and abilities not only for personal profit but make a contribution to the common good. Differentiation should lead not only to self-realization but also to the further realization of all humanity. Writers like Dostoyevsky, artists like Rembrandt, musicians like Bach, scientists like Einstein, knew their talents were on loan from God, and at the end of their life they would have to return those talents with interest. That “interest on the loan” is what you did for others.

We have all spent plenty of time with family this past week during Christmas. You may have felt like that old saying: “The only thing better than seeing family come is seeing family go.” But if we learn these steps of healthy differentiation by imitating Jesus, maybe our modern families will feel a little more like the Holy Family.

Praised be Jesus Christ!