No Unfinished Homework

Learning wisdom from the example of our parents

10/14/2024

Wis 7:7-11 I prayed, and prudence was given me; I pleaded, and the spirit of wisdom came to me. I preferred her to scepter and throne, and deemed riches nothing in comparison with her, nor did I liken any priceless gem to her; because all gold, in view of her, is a little sand, and before her, silver is to be accounted mire. Beyond health and comeliness I loved her, and I chose to have her rather than the light, because the splendor of her never yields to sleep. Yet all good things together came to me in her company, and countless riches at her hands.

Several years ago, a psychiatrist gave the talks at the Continuing Education for Clergy. He mentioned the best description I have ever heard of how parents influence and impact their children. He said, “Children are their parents’ unfinished homework.” That is, parents get a lot of things right, but they also get some things wrong.

No set of parents is perfect. The children’s life-long task, therefore, is to learn these lessons and finish their parents’ homework. You know, parents help children with their homework when they are small. But the children help parents with their homework when they are big.

This year my father turns 90 years old, and by that age you have mastered virtually all of life’s lessons. My dad doesn’t have much unfinished homework left to do. In honor of his 90th birthday, therefore, I would like to share some of these life-lessons – his homework – that my father has taught me and my brother, Paul, and my sister, Mary.

One profound lesson was something Dad says in Malayalam, our native language from the state of Kerela, India. Dad often says, “innu njaan, naale nee,” meaning “today me, tomorrow you.” In other words, be kind to older people who may be slower or more forgetful. Why? Become one day you will be walking in their shoes.

I remember talking with an 12 year old altar server before Mass one Sunday morning. I had just turned 54. I asked him if, “Do you think 54 is very old?” And he replied diplomatically, “No, not at all.” Figuring he was just trying to be nice, I asked him the same question differently, “Do you think you will ever be 54?”

He immediately shot back, “No way!” Now, that was a little more honest. I said to him, “Innu njaan, naale nee,” but I he didn’t understand. And it wasn’t just my Malayalam he didn’t understand. You see, I was trying to pass along some of my father’s finished homework to him.

My father came to the United States when he was already 42 years old in 1976. He had to learn a new culture and strange customs, and even driving a car was different. Once while driving down the highway at night, dad noticed there were light bulbs on the road that would light up as he drove by them.

But when he looked in the rearview mirror, the road lights had suddenly gone off. He thought, “What an amazing country: lights come on and off for every car!” But later he learned they were just reflectors, not lights. And he shared with us his great discovery. So no unfinished homework there, meaning, we would not make the same mistake.

Before he left India, he confided in a dear Hindu friend how scared and nervous he was to transplant his family in a new country. And that friend gave him some sage advice, saying: “The same Christian God you worship here in India will be with you when you arrive in America. You will not be alone.”

In other words, you may lose your home country, but you will never lose God. Those words gave him profound courage to embark on our family’s great adventure in America. And every time my father has shared that story, he was making sure to finish his homework. God is with us wherever we go.

Perhaps one of the greatest accomplishments of my poor immigrant parents was to send their three children to Catholic schools. As far as I know my parents never asked for tuition assistance because they believed that was for poorer families. Or, maybe on the other hand, they just wanted to remind us how much they sacrificed to send their kids to Catholic schools. Why?

So that good ole Catholic guilt would motivate their lazy children to study hard and make good grades. And it worked! My siblings and I have done the same. My brother sits on the board of Ozark Catholic Academy, I’ve written three books to raise money for Catholic schools, and my sister has sent five children through Catholic schools.

My father would often say, “The best inheritance you can leave your children is a Catholic school education, because that is something they can never lose.” I’m not sure if by that he meant that we should not expect any monetary inheritance! But he was spot-on: growing in faith, self-discipline, and love of neighbor is the best education anyone can receive. Why? Because it will benefit us in this life and in the next. No unfinished homework regarding Catholic schools.

The first reading from the book of Wisdom beautifully echoes how my father did not leave any unfinished homework for his children. We read: “I prayed, and prudence was given me; I pleaded, and the spirit of wisdom came to me. I preferred her to scepter and throne, and deemed riches nothing in comparison to her.” And isn’t that what our homework is: to seek the wisdom from above and pass it along to our progeny?

The highlight of my parents’ week these days is being able to celebrate Holy Mass, and receive Holy Communion. At Mass they pray and prudence is given to them, and they prefer Jesus in the Eucharist to scepter and throne, and they deem riches nothing in comparison to Christ. If we three children, and nine grandchildren, can have half that much devotion to the Mass, perhaps we will leave a little less unfinished homework as well.

Praised be Jesus Christ!