I Warned You

Seeing the true nature and commitment of marriage

08/18/2023

Mt 19:3-12 Some Pharisees approached Jesus, and tested him, saying, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause whatever?" He said in reply, "Have you not read that from the beginning the Creator made them male and female and said, For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, man must not separate." They said to him, "Then why did Moses command that the man give the woman a bill of divorce and dismiss her?" He said to them, "Because of the hardness of your hearts Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. I say to you, whoever divorces his wife (unless the marriage is unlawful) and marries another commits adultery." His disciples said to him, "If that is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry." He answered, "Not all can accept this word, but only those to whom that is granted. Some are incapable of marriage because they were born so; some, because they were made so by others; some, because they have renounced marriage for the sake of the Kingdom of heaven. Whoever can accept this ought to accept it."

Nothing causes more happiness and holiness than falling in love and getting married. And nothing causes more headaches and heartburn than falling in love and getting married. Just as getting married will be the happiest day of your life, so the day you might divorce will be the most miserable day of your life.

Why do you think I decided to become a priest? I wanted to avoid all that drama and live a little more peaceful life. But I know most of you will not choose the path of peaceful priesthood but opt for marriage and mortgages and mother-in-laws. Good luck! Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

In the gospel today, Jesus teaches his followers that marriage will not be the shortcut to happiness, but will be the hard road. Nonetheless, he adds that what God joins together no one should divide. To such high expectations for marriage, the disciples rightly respond like I did to marriage. They state: “If that is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.”

And notice next how Jesus describes how some will renounce marriage for the kingdom of heaven. That is, they will choose the peaceful path of celibate priesthood. In other words, Jesus, too, wants to warn you before you launch into marriage, mortgages, and mother-in-laws. Don't think it will be easy street.

But since most of you will disregard Jesus and my warnings about marriage, let me offer you three counsels about marriage so you can at least numb the pain. The first council I give to couples who come to me with marriage problems, arguing over finances, and raising children, and where to spend Thanksgiving versus Christmas, is to ask them: “Is marriage for happiness or holiness?”

Now, hopefully marriage is for both happiness and holiness. But sooner or later the happiness runs out, like the wine ran out at the wedding at Cana. And when that happens, what do couples think? If we are not happy, why should we stay married? And the answer is for holiness. In other words, happiness does not exhaust the entire purpose and goal of marriage.

I will tell you a secret: the real aim of marriage is to make you a saint, and saints are forged in the crucible of suffering, just like US Marines are forged in the crucible of the suffering of boot-camp at Paris Island. Saints and spouses become holy when they suffer and don’t experience much happiness. Marriage is for holiness not just happiness.

The second counsel I give married couples is to pay attention to pronouns in your wedding vows. By the way, you do know what pronouns are, right: I, you, he, she, it, we, ya’ll, they? When couples get married, they use the first person singular in their wedding, “I do.” That is, they say: “I will be faithful to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.” I do.

But when couples come to me and complain about their spouse, what pronoun do they use? They say, “You!” “You don’t pick up the kids! You don’t change the laundry! You drink too much! You don’t spend enough time with me!” etc. But on the day you got married you did not say, “You do”, rather, you said, “I do.” Pay attention to the pronouns of marriage.

And the third counsel I give married couples is each of YOU, that is, their children. In other words, parents should stay married and work out their problems for their children's sake. Why? Well, because the real victims of divorce are the children. Why is that? Well, because every child is half mother and half father, each parent contributes 23 chromosomes to make you who you are.

But when parents get divorced how does that make the children feel? Like they have been torn down the middle. I say this with all tenderness and compassion for families that have experienced a divorce. I know sometimes divorce can seem like the lesser of two evils, and unavoidable. But it still affects the children in deep and irreparable ways.

Boys and girls, don’t misunderstand me. My point – and Jesus’ point – is not to dissuade you from getting married. But only to go into marriage with your eyes open. Remember three things: (1) marriage is for holiness and happiness, (2) pay attention to the pronouns in your vows, (3) divorce adversely affects the children. No wonder Jesus ends the gospel saying: “Whoever can accept this ought to accept it.” In other words, Good luck! I warned you.

Praised be Jesus Christ!