Tender and Tough

Finding the balance for steaks and Christians

05/23/2019

John 15:9-11 Jesus said to his disciples: "As the Father loves me, so I also love you. Remain in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and remain in his love. "I have told you this so that my joy might be in you and your joy might be complete."

Typically, a father teaches his children tough love while a mother teaches her children tender love. And the healthy development of a human person requires both toughness and tenderness. By the way, that’s also my idea of a perfect steak: a little tough on the outside but tender and juicy on the inside. A priest once told me every Christian should experience both toughness and tenderness in the family of the Church. He said something I will never forget, and it has deeply formed my understanding of parish life. The priest is like the father of the family, the religious sisters are like the mother-figures, and the children in the school are like the offspring, the sons and daughters. He conveyed an entire ecclesiology in that pithy little description.

My own childhood and youth was blessed by tough priests and tender nuns. And I turned out more or less balanced. My high school principal was Fr. George Tribou, who ruled Catholic High School for Boys with an iron fist. I learned later than one of his favorite books was The Lord’s of Discipline by Pat Conroy. In fact, Conroy even gave Fr. Tribou a signed copy of the book as a gift. Every boy who attended Catholic High learned lots of discipline and he knew who was the “lord of discipline.” But we also knew Fr. Tribou loved us deeply, and the discipline was the sign of that love.

I also grew up attending Masses at the Carmelite Monastery of St. Therese of the Little Flower. The nuns’ sweet singing, their lovely flower garden, the many conversations over coffee taught me tenderness. In other words, thanks to tough fathers (like Tribou) and tender mothers (like the Carmelites), I turned out to be a good steak, balanced with a little of both.

In John 15, Jesus acknowledges his debt to his Dad, God the Father, for teaching him tough love. He says, “As the Father loves me, so I also love you.” And one stark example of the Father’s tough love can be seen in the Garden of Gethsemane when he did not rescue his beloved Son from drinking the cup of suffering and being nailed on the cross. Similarly, Fr. Tribou did not make life easy for us boys at Catholic High School, when he taught us tough love of a father.

Without overstating the case, nor giving Mary too much credit, Jesus could likewise have added: “As my mother Mary loves me, so I also love you.” Obviously, we never put Mary on par with God the Father. Still, in his humanity, Jesus learned a little tender love from his “gentle mother.” You will easily recall John 2 where Mary’s prompting moved Jesus to perform his first miracle at the wedding in Cana. Like the Carmelite nuns taught me, so Mother Mary taught Jesus to be more tender and compassionate. Jesus was the perfect Savior and also the perfect steak: tough and tender.

Folks, let me pull out two practical applications of today’s message. First of all, all Catholics should both worship God but also venerate (not worship) Mary. We Catholic Christians should sort of have the bible in one hand and the rosary in the other. Why? Well, because healthy Christian development, like healthy human development, requires both paternal and maternal figures who shape us and teach us toughness and tenderness. All Christians should be a little tough on the outside and really juicy and tender on the inside.

The second application is much more controversial. The human need for balanced development is one reason (though not the only reason) why the Church frowns on adoption of children by homosexual couples. That is, when a homosexual or gay couples adopts a child, it is not only the rights of the adult couple that is at stake, but also the rights – indeed, the needs – of the child that is at stake. It is possible that gay couples can also teach tough love and tender love to children. But I am not convinced they can teach them as effectively as Fr. Tribou and the Carmelite nuns taught me and many others. In other words, the lords teach us about discipline, and the ladies teach us about love. I know this message is hard to hear for parents who have children (or grandchildren) with same sex attractions. The Church will need to dig deep into her tender side, while not neglecting her tough side, too, to address this delicate and difficult dilemma.

The next time you go out to eat, and happen to order a steak, remember what makes it taste so good: it’s a little tough and a little tender. And what makes a steak so good is also what makes a Christian so good.

Praised be Jesus Christ!