Emotional Safety

Seeing value of head and heart in relationships

04/30/2019

John 3:1-8 There was a Pharisee named Nicodemus, a ruler of the Jews. He came to Jesus at night and said to him, "Rabbi, we know that you are a teacher who has come from God, for no one can do these signs that you are doing unless God is with him." Jesus answered and said to him, "Amen, amen, I say to you, unless one is born from above, he cannot see the Kingdom of God." Nicodemus said to him, "How can a man once grown old be born again? Surely he cannot reenter his mother's womb and be born again, can he?" Jesus answered, "Amen, amen, I say to you, unless one is born of water and Spirit he cannot enter the Kingdom of God. What is born of flesh is flesh and what is born of spirit is spirit. Do not be amazed that I told you, 'You must be born from above.' The wind blows where it wills, and you can hear the sound it makes, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes; so it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit."

Everything I know about “marriage counseling” I have learned from watching movies, especially the movie “Red 2,” starring Bruce Willis, John Malcovich, Helen Mirren and Mary Louise Parker. Underlying all the action, John Malcovich tries to provide “couple therapy” to an ex-CIA agent named Frank, played by Bruce Willis, and his girlfriend, Sarah, played by Mary Louise Parker. Like so many couples struggling to communicate effectively, Frank stays on the level of facts (his head) while Sarah tries to express her feelings (her heart). Malcovich, the self-proclaimed marriage counselor, advises Frank (as people are shooting at them): “Frank, listen I’ve got to tell you something. You have to learn to share your feelings to evolve your relationship even if it seems uncomfortable at first. You have got to make the run to emotional safety.” Frank stares blankly at him and answers, “Uh-huh.” The rest of the movie revolves around Frank trying to save the world, and try to save his relationship. So, if you’re having marriage problems, just watch more movies. They provide the sum and substance of my marriage counseling.

Often men look down on sharing their feelings as a sign of weakness, like the expression: “grown men don’t cry.” On the other hand, women see sharing their feelings as a sign of great strength and safety, transparency and trust. When men and women fail to figure out these two levels of their love – the level of the head and the level of the heart – their marriages suffer.

But being in touch with our feelings is also critical in our relationship with God, that is, feelings can help our faith. Why? Well, because our relationship with God is ultimately a romantic one. Pope Benedict XVI surprisingly said: “The organ for seeing God is the heart. The intellect alone is not enough.” Benedict is widely regarded as one of the brightest theologians and scholars of the twentieth century. Yet he could agree with John Malcovich, that is, if we want our relationship with God to evolve, we must learn to express our feelings and, “make the run to emotional safety.” Being in touch with your feelings will help your faith far more than a towering mountain of facts.

In the gospel of John, Jesus and Nicodemus also seem to be in need of some couple counseling. And that should not shock us because at root their relationship is one of love. But notice how Nicodemus stays on the level of fact when he asks what being “born again” means: “How can a man once grown old be born again? Surely he cannot reenter his mother’s womb and be born again, can he?” And Jesus replies Like John Malcovich and invites him to make the run to emotional safety, saying: “The wine blows where it will, and you hear the sound it makes, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes; so it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.” Nicodemus must have had the same blank stare on his face as Bruce Willis, and grunted, “Uh-huh.” Jesus was inviting him to think less and to feel more; one must feel the movements of the Holy Spirit that are unpredictable like the human heart. In other words, to grow in our relationship with God we must rely on feelings more than on facts, on our hearts more than our head. Why? Because our relationship with God is ultimately a romantic one.

To be bluntly honest, I really am not very good at couple counseling. But I can offer you a few tips on improving your relationship with God. And I would begin by repeating the advice of John Malcovich: “make the run to emotional safety.” Here are a few ways you can do that. First, don’t be shy about sharing your feelings with God. Tell him you are tired, share with him your sadness, talk to him about your triumphs, don’t hide from him your hopes, never neglect to tell him you’re numb, and describe to him your dreams. When we cannot tell God how we feel, that says something about our faith, namely, it is not at the level of the heart.

Secondly, don’t worry too much about dryness or darkness or distractions in prayer, that is, when you don’t experience warm and fuzzy feelings or cannot focus your mind, your intellect. God is leading you deeper into love with him, but the journey is deeper into the heart. Avoid the temptation to jump back into the head. Acknowledge the feelings of desolation without trying to understand it with the intellect, like Nicodemus and Frank. You might feel like just saying, “Uh-huh.”

And finally, remember faith is ultimately a romantic love story, not a scientific research project. The saints understand with their hearts, while scholars grasp at God with their heads. Saints make far greater progress than scholars. Again, Benedict XVI asserted the best interpreters of the scriptures are the saints, even more than scripture scholars.  The Spirit that inspired the sacred text is the same Spirit who inspires their lives, and he blows where he wills.

Listen to the words of John Malcovich again and try to apply them to your romantic relationship with God: “Listen, I’ve got to tell you something. You have to learn to share your feelings to evolve your relationship, even if it seems uncomfortable at first. You have to make the run to emotional safety.”

Praised be Jesus Christ!