Care and Correct

Practicing tough love avoiding the sledgehammer and soft serve ice cream

05/12/2018

Acts of the Apostles 18:23-28 After staying in Antioch some time, Paul left and traveled in orderly sequence through the Galatian country and Phrygia, bringing strength to all the disciples. A Jew named Apollos, a native of Alexandria, an eloquent speaker, arrived in Ephesus. He was an authority on the Scriptures. He had been instructed in the Way of the Lord and, with ardent spirit, spoke and taught accurately about Jesus, although he knew only the baptism of John. He began to speak boldly in the synagogue; but when Priscilla and Aquila heard him, they took him aside and explained to him the Way of God more accurately. And when he wanted to cross to Achaia, the brothers encouraged him and wrote to the disciples there to welcome him. After his arrival he gave great assistance to those who had come to believe through grace. He vigorously refuted the Jews in public, establishing from the Scriptures that the Christ is Jesus.

One of the hardest things to do in human relationships is correct someone you love, but eventually everyone must. We priests are not immune from this interaction of tough love, even if we wish we were. Sometimes we correct others but sometimes others correct us. This past weekend I received a healthy dose of correction. I must have been pretty tired by the last Mass of the day at 5 p.m. and I misspoke a couple of times. During the announcements at the end of Mass I inadvertently said our Mother’s Day Novena will begin in “September.” Someone in the congregation shouted out loud, “May!” I said, “ Oh, yeah, right.” Then at the reception after Senior Mass, several people laughing said, “Fr. John, in your homily you said, ‘At Trinity, we eat students to beat their swords of war into ploughshares of peace.” Apparently, I was very hungry and ready to eat even a few students! I was embarrassed by my errors but also grateful that they pointed out those mistakes. When you love someone you help them to learn, you don’t leave them to flounder in their failures. John Maxwell, the leadership guru, often repeats: “Care enough to correct.”

The Acts of the Apostles describes the healthy interactions of the members of the early Christian community, and even how they loving helped each other to learn from their mistakes. An eloquent speaker named Apollos is preaching and teaching, but his theology is still underdeveloped. It’s as if he’s had a couple of years of seminary studies but he’s not yet ready to be ordained a priest; he has more to learn. When he preaches only the baptism of John – which was the “baptism of repentance” rather than baptism in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit – how do some people correct him? We read: “He began to speak boldly in the synagogue; but when Priscilla and Aquila heard him, they took him aside and explained to him the way of God more accurately.” Notice how their correction was discreet, “they took him aside,” not shouting out loud in the middle of Mass. Priscilla and Aquila cared enough to correct but did it with wisdom, grace and perhaps a touch of good humor. When you love someone, you help them to learn from their mistakes, not leave them in their messes.

We all must demonstrate love for others by caring enough to correct them. In these tough love situations, I try to strike a balance between the sledgehammer and soft serve ice cream. The sledgehammer is too hard and comes down heavy, but the soft serve ice cream is too soft and does no good. We have to be firm but not unfeeling. May I suggest you ask yourself these nine questions in order to help you strike this balance? They are offered by John Maxwell and each answer should be “yes.” (1) Have I invested in the relationship enough to be candid with them? (2) Do I truly value them as people? (3) Am I sure this is their issue and not mine? (4) Am I sure I am not speaking up because I feel threatened? (5) Is the issue more important than the relationship? (6) Does this conversation clearly serve their interests and not just mine? (7) Am I willing to invest time and energy to help them change? (8) Am I willing to show them how to do something, and not just say what’s wrong? And (9) Am I willing and able to set clear, specific expectations? Only if you can answer yes to these questions can you be sure your attitude and approach to tough love will be productive and fruitful. Otherwise, it will basically backfire.

We’ve all seen samples of both the sledgehammer and the soft serve ice cream, and we know neither works well. But the Bible offers us a way to balance both: caring and correcting. Indeed, this is the way of Jesus himself. And by the way, thank you to all of you who have had enough courage to correct me. I promise I will not eat you.

Praised be Jesus Christ!