Pain, Pain Go Away

Learning the milestones of grief and the pain of loss

Genesis 1:20—2:4A

Then God said: "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. Let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, and the cattle, and over all the wild animals and all the creatures that crawl on the ground." God created man in his image; in the divine image he created him; male and female he created them. God looked at everything he had made, and he found it very good. Evening came, and morning followed–the sixth day. Thus the heavens and the earth and all their array were completed. Since on the seventh day God was finished with the work he had been doing.  he rested on the seventh day from all the work he had undertaken. So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work he had done in creation. Such is the story of the heavens and the earth at their creation.

          As you may know, last Friday my family suffered a tragic loss: my nephew, Noah, a sophomore at Baylor University died very unexpectedly. His loss caused a deep and devastating pain, and it’s very hard to know how to deal with that pain and loss. I’d like to share with you what my family is going through for two reasons. First, because we are brothers and sisters in Christ, we’re a spiritual family, and we should share not only success but also sadness, not only triumph but also tragedy together. We shoulder each other’s crosses as we follow behind Christ. Secondly, there are some milestones in grief that can give us hope that we’re only the right road to healing. In 1969 Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a classic book called On Death and Dying which identified five stages of grief. I’d like to touch on each one because it may help you as well. No one is too young or too old to suffer the pain of loss – it can come in the form of the death of a nephew, the loss of a job, moving to a new school, a divorce, a broken friendship, etc. Knowing these milestones comforts us and helps us to carry the cross of pain.

          Elisabeth Kubler-Ross explained that the first stage was “denial.” We are in shock when we first hear the devastating news. We say things like “I can’t believe it!” or “That’s impossible!” or “There must be some mistake!” We feel like it’s all a bad dream and we’ll wake up tomorrow morning and everything will be back to the way it was. I still feel like I’ll get a text from Noah, or see him at my brother’s home when I visit. I’m still in shock and denial; the pain is too much to bear.

          Secondly, we feel anger. We look for someone to blame. We feel this was clearly someone’s fault and they should be held responsible. And when we can’t find anyone else guilty, we blame God. After all, isn’t it God’s job to make sure nothing bad happens to me? But notice what we’re doing: we want the pain of loss to “cease and desist,” and by blaming someone – sometimes even God – we think we’ll find healing and peace, or at least some escape from the pain.

          The third stage or milestone is “bargaining.” We negotiate or make deals with God to lessen the pain of loss. Before someone dies, we say, “God, I’ll go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life if you’ll let my child live.” Some parents leave a deceased child’s room untouched, like a holy shrine, to try to keep their memory alive. This, too, is another milestone and sign-post that we’re dealing with the piercing pain of loss. It’s a good sign.

          The fourth stage is depression. The best definition of depression I know of is that depression is “anger turned inward upon ourselves.” That is, instead of blaming others, we blame ourselves for what happened. I should have said something. What clues did I miss? I could have stopped this tragedy. It’s my fault. Children of divorced parents often blame themselves for their parents’ separation, they feel depressed. They beat themselves up, but only because they hope this self-incrimination will make the pain of loss go away.

          The fifth and final stage is acceptance. We slowly realize this pain of loss is our “new normal.” We cannot make it go away, we must live with it, and make it our friend. It’s like having a permanent limp after a broken leg heals. We learn to walk with it: no more denial, no anger, no bargaining, no despair, just acceptance of the pain of loss and a new normal. Please remember that none of these stages or milestones are “good” or “bad.” They are simply steps to healing and peace.

          My friends, in this life we will suffer the pain of loss again and again. I wish we didn’t; but it is our lot in life ever since Adam and Eve lost Paradise, the very first pain of loss in human history. And we will not find ultimate healing or peace until we are home in heaven, “where every tear will be wiped away” (Rev. 21:4). In the first reading from Genesis, we read: “God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work he had done in creation” (Gen 2:3). Only in heaven will we, too, stop suffering from all the pain of loss we experience in this life - in some sense this is our “work” - and find “God’s rest.”

          Praised be Jesus Christ!