School of Suffering, Part 2

Learning the prerequisite of involuntary suffering

02/22/2024

We take our seats now in the school of suffering, and you may feel some suffering in how long this homily is. We have said the school of suffering, commonly called the school of hard knocks, offers three courses, namely, (1) involuntary suffering, (2) voluntary suffering, and (3) Christian suffering. Think of this first course of involuntary suffering like a prerequisite to study the second and third courses. That is, only if we can find sense in suffering that is entirely unavoidable can we hope to discover any meaning in suffering that is voluntary and Christian. Only if we can first count 1, 2, 3 can we hope to perform the higher math of algebra, and perhaps even one day take a stab at quantum mechanics. You cannot take the MCAT to enter medical school until you demonstrate proficiency in prerequisite subjects like anatomy and chemistry. So, first we will try to make sense of involuntary, unavoidable, necessary suffering.

The first thing we notice about involuntary suffering is its universal scope. No matter how hard we try to shield our loved ones, or ourselves, from pain and hurt, the long hand of suffering eventually reaches out and lays a finger on each man, woman, child, and even priest. Every week I visit people who are seriously sick in the hospital. I used to feel very sorry for such people, but lately I feel less so. Why? It is not because I am losing compassion or empathy for them. Rather, I am growing in awareness that I will one day be in their hospital gown. That is, I, too, will become seriously sick, and end up in the hospital, and finally die. It is not a matter of if but of when. I don’t feel sorry for the sick, I feel a deep solidarity with them.

If you ever travel to Rome, I encourage you to visit the Bone Church as it is commonly called. Inside this Capuchin Franciscan church the furniture – tables, chairs, chandeliers, even altars – are constructed from the bones of deceased friars. Only crazy Catholics could cook up such a church. There is a prominent plaque which reads in three different languages, as if the bones themselves were speaking: “Where you are, we once were. Where we now are, you one day will be.” Those deceased Franciscan friars are encouraging their visitors not only to have solidarity with the sick, but solidarity with the dead. When we realize that in some shape or form suffering and finally death will lay its cold hand upon each and every one of us, we not only feel the first pang of solidarity with the sick and dying, but we also feel a need to make some sense out of involuntary suffering. Why do we die?

The best analysis I have read on the topic of unavoidable suffering, especially death, is the 1969 classic titled, On Death and Dying, by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. A psychiatrist by training, Dr. Kübler-Ross interviewed two hundred dying patients and discovered that they uniformly experienced five stages of grief. What’s more, she taught that if they could successfully navigate the road of suffering and death – by following this roadmap of five stages – they could not only endure the experience but also find a profound peace. By the way, I have found that these five stages of grief are a handy roadmap for any unavoidable suffering we meet: the loss of a job, a divorce, moving from one country to another, the death of a child, a mid-life crisis, and so forth. You will need this roadmap long before you lie on your deathbed. In other words, if there were one textbook for this preliminary course of involuntary pain and suffering, it would be On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.

The first stage of grief is “denial and isolation.” For example, a patient feels shock and numbness at the news they have cancer and only a few years to live. The patient exclaims, “No, not me, it cannot be true” (On Death and Dying, 37). But Kübler-Ross also provides a positive reason for this denial, adding: “Denial functions as a buffer after unexpected shocking news, allows the patient to collect himself, and, with time, mobilize other, less radical defenses” (On Death and Dying, 38). That is, denial is not all bad. It provides a much needed emotional respite from the rude reality of extreme suffering in order to continue functioning and take care of the business of still living. We have just passed the first mile-marker on the rocky road of dealing with the involuntary suffering called death, namely, denial and isolation. Knowing you are on the right road and moving forward is half the battle of reaching the right destination.

The second stage of dealing with death and dying is “anger.” We look for someone to blame for my pain and loss, and if I cannot find a human culprit, I will blame God. Nonetheless, Kübler-Ross reminds us that anger also serves an important function in dealing with suffering, namely, asserting that the patient is still alive. She elaborates: “He will raise his voice, he will make demands, he will complain and ask to be given attention, perhaps as the last loud cry, ‘I am alive, don’t forget that. You can hear my voice, I am not dead yet!’” (On Death and Dying, 51). Here I might add that even if we are not the patient, as their family and friends, we can also feel anger in the face of intense pain, loss, or suffering that is vicarious. As the British poet Dylan Thomas eloquently expressed it: “Do not go gentle into that good night, / Old age should burn and rave against close of day; / Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” In other words, the rage and anger is not only a sign of life and vitality – “I am not dead yet!” – in the person who is terminally ill, but also another mile-marker of progress on the road of dealing with involuntary suffering for everyone who suffers. The persecuted person is drawing one stage closer to peace.

The third stage is called “bargaining.” Kübler-Ross recognizes that bargaining usually brings God more squarely into the picture. She explains: "Most bargains are usually made with God and are usually kept a secret or mentioned between the lines or in a chaplain’s private office. In our individual interviews without an audience we have been impressed by the number of patients who promise ‘a life dedicated to God,’ or ‘a life in the service of the church’ in exchange for some additional time” (On Death and Dying, 81). In other words, there is a child-like quality to bargaining because children try to bargain with their parents for what they want or to get out of trouble. Again, the point at this stage is not to discourage the bargaining but to acknowledge it, and give the person some space to express himself. Notice how we are at a new stage of dealing with involuntary suffering. We are passing the third mile-marker on the road to peace.

The fourth stage of dealing with death and dying is “depression.” By the way, one popular definition I heard of depression is that it is anger turned inward. That is, we blame ourselves for our misfortune and become sad and melancholy. Kübler-Ross offers some surprising advice for the family and friends of the dying person: "The patient should not be encouraged to look at the sunny side of things, as this would mean he should not contemplate his death. It would be counter-indicated to tell him not to be sad, since all of us are sad when we lose one beloved person. The patient is in the process of losing everything and everybody he loves” (On Death and Dying, 85). So what should the dying patient’s family do? Dr. Kübler-Ross suggests: “There is no or little need for words. It is much more a feeling that can be mutually expressed and is often done better with a touch of a hand, a stroking of the hair, or just a silent sitting together” (On Death and Dying, 85). That is, whether the patient feels anger projected outward, or depression as anger turned inward, the best approach is to provide a safe space for the patient to express their feelings. They are showing progress, precisely in their sadness and depression, that they are passing the fourth mile-marker on the road of involuntary suffering. Some depressions are healthy.

Dr. Kübler-Ross terms the fifth and final stage “peace and acceptance.” She observes: “If the patient has had enough time and has been given some help in working through the previously described stages…he will contemplate his coming end with a certain degree of quiet expectation” (On Death and Dying, 109-10). I love her phrase “quiet expectation.” The tricky part of this stage is that it almost looks like the person is giving up or being a coward because they accept their fate. But it is the proper attitude of peace, and I would add, also trust in God. It is like that “trust game” where one person falls backward into the arms of another person whom they cannot see. Only if the seriously sick person has successfully navigated denial, anger, bargaining, and depression, can they fall into the arms of a loving God, and know he will not drop them, but embrace them lovingly forever.

My friends, sooner or later, we all face some suffering that is involuntary, we wish we could avoid them, but we cannot. And one day we will all face the ultimate suffering called death. That sounds scary and so we can resort to extreme measures to avoid it. Have you heard of the tech billionaire named Bryan Johnson, who started taking daily plasma transfusions from his seventeen-year old son, Talmage, to reverse the aging process? His project is simply called “Don’t Die.” If we try to figure out where Bryan Johnson is on Dr. Kübler-Ross’ roadmap, we might say he is still at the first stage of denial. That is, Johnson refuses to take this prerequisite course and is spending his fortune to avoid the unavoidable. I wish Mr. Johnson luck with his new venture. Meanwhile, back on earth, I suggest you learn the ropes of this first course in the school of hard knocks called involuntary suffering.

Praised be Jesus Christ!