On My Couch

Learning to speak the five languages of love

01/19/2022

Mk 3:1-6 Jesus entered the synagogue. There was a man there who had a withered hand. They watched Jesus closely to see if he would cure him on the sabbath so that they might accuse him. He said to the man with the withered hand, “Come up here before us.” Then he said to the Pharisees, “Is it lawful to do good on the sabbath rather than to do evil, to save life rather than to destroy it?” But they remained silent. Looking around at them with anger and grieved at their hardness of heart, Jesus said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out and his hand was restored. The Pharisees went out and immediately took counsel with the Herodians against him to put him to death.

Many years ago in a former parish, my secretary suggested that I read a book that permanently changed my thinking about human relationships. More importantly, it changed how I relate to others. It was called “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. Have you heard of it? If you are looking for an excellent book on how to improve your family, your friendships, and even your faith life, I highly recommend this book. Basically, Chapman, a Baptist pastor, explains that people, especially in romantic relationships, relate in five "ways" or by speaking five “languages.”

These languages are not Greek, Russian, French, Spanish or Italian. Rather, they are “acts of service,” “gift-giving,” “physical touch,” “quality time,” and “words of affirmation.” These expressions of love are like languages, and we have to learn to speak them to those we love, and vice versa, we need others who love us to speak them these languages to us. I cannot tell you how many couples I have counseled where one or another of these love languages was at the root of their problems.

For example, the woman might complain that the husband is lazy, never does anything around the house, she is always the one to fold the laundry, empty the dish washer, take the kids to school. Can you guess which is her love language? It is “acts of service.” That “language” is how she needs to “hear” her husband’s love. The man, for his part, might argue: his wife always complains about his working too long, she criticizes how he dresses, she never pays him a compliment, she only points out his mistakes. Which love language did the husband need to hear? It was “words of affirmation.” His wife needed to become fluent in his love language, but she never spoke a word of it. After years of never hearing your spouse speak your specific love language, the couple ends up on my couch in my office, or ends up divorced.

In the gospel today Jesus and the Pharisees could use a little “marriage counseling,” and I would have recommended the Pharisees read “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. Of course, Jesus himself is love incarnate, love on two legs, so he is fluent in the five love languages and all the many dialects of love, too. He made us, so he knows how to love us. Today it seems Jesus is doing some “gift-giving” by healing a man’s withered hand.

And how to do the Pharisees react? Their hearts were hardened because they only looked to criticize our Lord, and ultimately to find a way to kill him. Even though Jesus can speak all love languages – indeed, he is fluent in all forms of human speech – perhaps his primary love language is gift-giving. Thus we read in Jn 10:10, where Jesus declares: “I came that they may have life and have it more abundantly.” If I were trying to help Jesus and the Pharisees get along a little better, I would suggest the Pharisees learn the language of “gift-giving.”

That is, instead of trying to kill him, they should try to find ways to save and preserve our Lord’s life. But the real power and beauty of Jesus’ love language of gift-giving is that no matter what the Pharisees did they could not stop our Lord from speaking his love language. Even when they tried to kill him on the Cross, they failed miserably because then Jesus became a gift for the whole world, indeed, for all humanity and for all time. Jesus literally became the “Gift that keeps on giving.”

Folks, even though Chapman wrote that book to help romantic relationships,” as I said, I believe it’s helpful in all human interactions. For example, as I try to interact with the staff here at the church, I pay close attention to each person’s love language. Some are touched by a gift, others by a word of affirmation (a compliment on their dress or performance), another by an act of service (assisting them with a task), still others by quality time spent with them (visiting and asking about their family), but physical touch (like a hug) is sadly really hard during the pandemic. So, those people really suffer.

By the way, do you know the fastest way to figure out what someone’s love language is? Pay attention to what they complain about the most. Why? Well people complain because they have a deep need that is not being met. They have a “language” their heart speaks that those around them don’t know, and they feel alone, like a stranger in a foreign land. So, learn to meet that need by becoming fluent in their love language. That way, you will not end up on my couch in my office, or end up somewhere worse.

Praised be Jesus Christ!