Cracks and Collapse

Learning how to build loving marriages

08/13/2021

Mt 19:3-12 Some Pharisees approached Jesus, and tested him, saying, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause whatever?” He said in reply, “Have you not read that from the beginning the Creator made them male and female and said, For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, man must not separate.” They said to him, “Then why did Moses command that the man give the woman a bill of divorce and dismiss her?” He said to them, “Because of the hardness of your hearts Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. I say to you, whoever divorces his wife (unless the marriage is unlawful) and marries another commits adultery.” His disciples said to him, “If that is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” He answered, “Not all can accept this word, but only those to whom that is granted.”

The hardest part of my week is the work I do on the marriage tribunal with annulments. And my job, in a sense, is the hardest of the whole tribunal staff because I am the “Defensor Vinculi,” the Defender of the Bond. What bond do I defend? The marriage bond. In other words, my role is to root out all the reasons why someone should NOT get an annulment. Yes, everyone hates me. Still, my responsibility is critical because I make sure true justice is administered, we follow canon law, and everyone’s rights are respected. We dot our “i’s” and cross our “t’s.” After all, this office is the “marriage tribunal,” not the “divorce tribunal.”

One of the ways we decide to grant the annulment – or not grant it – is ask people to go back to the beginning. But we don’t ask them just to go back to the beginning of their marriage, their wedding day, but back to the beginning of their lives: their childhood, their family of origin, their adolescence. Why? Well, we are looking for cracks in their character that were caused early in life that eventually led to the collapse of the marriage, like the subtle cracks in the I-40 Memphis bridge that could have led to its collapse.

Do you remember that funny movie, “Back to the Future,” with Michael J. Fox? Marty FcFly had to go back to the day his parents met and make sure they kissed at a dance so they would eventually get married, and Marty would be born. Every annulment goes back into the past in order for the couple to have a future full of hope and happiness. Sometimes, you have to go backward in order to go forward.

In the gospel today, Jesus also plays the role of the defensor vinculi, the defender of the bond of marriage. The Pharisees ask on what grounds someone may get a divorce. And they add that Moses permitted divorce under some circumstances. Then Jesus does what all good defenders of the bond do: he goes back to the beginning. Our Lord answers: “It was not so from the beginning.” In other words, marriage was intended by the Creator in Genesis to be a life-long union between a man and a woman. And therefore, what God has joined no one must separate. That Genesis account forms the basis of all Church teaching on marriage because it goes back to the beginning.

Nonetheless, by going back to the beginning Jesus also uncovers the crack in the foundations of all humanity, namely, original sin, or as Jesus puts it, “your hardness of heart.” That is, the success or failure of marriage cannot be determined simply by studying the reasons why couple separated: infidelity, irreconcilable differences, verbal or physical abuse, etc. Rather, what cracks are in the character of the couple, fundamental fissures, that eventually cause catastrophe later in life?

Marty McFly should not have gone back to 1955 to fix his parents marriage; he needed to go back to the Garden of Eden and fix Adam and Eve’s marriage; that is the real root of his parents’ problems. And that healing of the crack in the character of humanity is exactly what Jesus did by his death and resurrection and what we receive in the sacraments. In a word, we receive the power to love like Jesus loves. The love of Christ is the basis of the success or failure of any marriage; otherwise, cracks will lead to collapse.

My friends, this going back to the beginning does not just make a good movie plot. It is also a very healthy spiritual exercise. How so? Well, have you ever reflected on your childhood, your family of origin, your adolescent years? It may help to talk about it with a trusted friend or wise counselor. Once we begin to see the cracks in our characters – the traumas, the hurts, the unresolved issues – we can ask for help to heal them and avoid major moral collapse later in life.

But do not forget the larger crack in the character of humanity herself: original sin or hardness of heart. That can only be healed by more people learning and living the love of Jesus poured out in the sacraments. That is where we must begin if we are going to build a “civilization of life and love” as John Paul II so often said. In the meantime, I have plenty of job security on the marriage tribunal.

Praised be Jesus Christ!