Math Morons

Understanding the Immaculate Conception

          When I was in school, my worst subject was always math. How many of you hate math? But I could spell any word you could throw at me and I loved to read. But my older brother was the exact opposite: he was a whiz at math, but he couldn’t spell his way out of a wet paper bag. So, naturally, I thought I was smart and my brother was a moron. But now that “math moron” is senior vice president of Walmart, and I’m a Catholic priest. So, who’s the real moron?

          Now, I believe that most Catholics are poor in math, too, because 99.9 % of Catholics don’t know what the Immaculate Conception is. And the reason they don’t know is because we can’t do math very well. Under your chair you will find a note card and pencil. Would you take a moment and write on the note card what the Immaculate Conception is? Please use a full sentence, beginning with “The Immaculate Conception is…” Now, you can put the cards and pencils back under your chairs. If you were to ask most Catholics that same question, most of them would answer that is when Jesus was conceived in his mother’s womb, that is, in Mary’s womb. But that is exactly wrong. That is NOT the Immaculate Conception, and the reason we don’t know the right answer is because Catholics are math morons.

          Let’s do some quick math computation. When was Jesus born? We know that was December 25, Christmas. That’s not the birthday of Santa Claus, that’s the birthday of Jesus. And we know a baby is in the womb of its mother for nine months. So, if Jesus was BORN on December 25, when was he CONCEIVED in Mary’s womb? That would be nine months earlier, on March 25, the feast of the Annunciation, that is the Conception of Jesus. So, if today – December 8 – is not Jesus’ conception, whose conception is it? It’s the Conception of Mary, in her mother’s womb, that is, in St. Anne’s womb. So, if Mary was conceived on December 8, and she was in the womb for nine months, when was she born? That would be September 8, the feast of the Birthday of Mary.  So, now you know what the feast of the Immaculate Conception is (the conception of Mary), and more importantly, you know what it is not (the conception of Jesus).

          Boys and girls, some of you are good at math and hate spelling, while others are great in spelling and hate math. Some of you can spell the words “Immaculate Conception” but don’t know what it means, but others know exactly what it means – because they can do the math – but can’t spell it. Today on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, I hope you’ve gotten better at both, and now you can become a priest AND senior vice president of Walmart.

          Praised be Jesus Christ!