Southern Livin

Learning the rules of Catholicism

           

You know, I’ve been living in here in the South since I was eight years old, and I love it.  But apparently, I still don’t know all the “rules” of being a “Suthnuh,” so someone sent me this email to educate me on the South, and so I’d feel more at home here.  Let’s see if you’re a true “Suthnuh.”

            Suthnuhs know their weather report: humidity, humidity, humidity.  Southerners know everybody’s first name: Honey, Darlin and Shugah.  Southerners know their religions: Bapdiss, Methdiss, and Football.  Southerners know their cities drippin with Southern charm: Chawl’stn, S’vanah, Foat Wuth, N’walins, and Addlanna.  Southern girls know their prime real estate: The Mall, The Country Club and The Beauty Salon.  Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins: Having bad hair and nails, having bad manners and cooking bad food.  Even Southern babies know that “gimmie some sugar” is not a request for the white granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

             Only Southerners make friends while standing in line…and when we’re “in line”…we talk to everybody!  In the South “ya’ll” is singular, and “all ya’ll” is plural.  By the way, you may have noticed there ain’t no magazine named “Northern Living” for good reason; there ain’t nobody interested in living in the North, and nobody would buy the magazine.  Here’s the conclusion: ‘Now, Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they hada been!  If you’re a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it, we know you got here as fast as you could!”  Did you know all those rules for “Southern Livin”?  I guess I’m still learning.

             Now, just like there are rule for Southern Living, so there are rules for Catholic living.  Since today is Ash Wednesday, maybe we should go over some of those rule, so you’ll feel at home here in the Church, just like I now feel more at home in the South.  On Ash Wednesday, everyone can get ashes, even non-Catholics.  So, just because you see someone on T.V. with ashes, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re Catholic.  Today is NOT a holy day of obligation.  [Let me pause for dramatic effect.]  Today is NOT a holy day of obligation, even though everyone thinks it is.  Catholics don’t have to go to Mass on Ash Wednesday.  BUT every Sunday IS a holy day of obligation; Catholics DO have to go to Mass every Sunday.  Missing Mass would be a Catholic deadly sin, like having bad hair and nails is for a Southern girl.

             Every Sunday, you get a “pass” on Lent, meaning you don’t have to make your lenten sacrifice on Sunday.  Why?  Because every Sunday is a “mini Easter,” and we don’t “fast” when Jesus the Bridegroom is with us.  Every Friday of Lent, we participate in the Stations of the Cross, because we love Jesus so much we want to imitate him by doing what he did.  Catholics don’t just read the Bible, we want to reenact the Bible.  On Ash Wednesday and Good Friday, we "fast," which means we eat one normal meal, and two small meals.  My rule of thumb is: if it didn't hurt a little, you didn't do it right.!  On Ash Wednesday and the Fridays of Lent, we don’t eat meat, but do love us a mess of lobster tails and some deep fried catfish!  There are Catholic rules, but there are also Catholic loopholes.  You have to know both!

            You see, just like there are rules for Southern Living, so there are rules for Catholic Living, and learning them helps us feel more at home, in the South and in the Church.  So, I’ll keep trying to be a better "Suthnuh," and you keep trying to be a better "Cat-lick."  And, by the way, if you mess up, bless your little heart!  Don’t worry, that’s why we have confession!

            Praised be Jesus Christ!