Fella Over There

Learning how to have more realistic expectations

05/20/2023

Jn 16:20-23 Jesus said to his disciples: “Amen, amen, I say to you, you will weep and mourn, while the world rejoices; you will grieve, but your grief will become joy. When a woman is in labor, she is in anguish because her hour has arrived; but when she has given birth to a child, she no longer remembers the pain because of her joy that a child has been born into the world. So you also are now in anguish. But I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you. On that day you will not question me about anything. Amen, amen, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in my name he will give you.

Boys and girls, all true friendships, especially romantic relationships, have ups and downs, arguments and fights, good times and bad times. That is the nature of relationships. Sometimes we might think: I am only going to be friends with people who agree with me all the time, or with people who think just like I do, so we never fight. Or, we may think: I will only marry someone who I will never fight and argue with, like my parents fight and argue.

But such thinking is Pollyannish, that is, it is unrealistically optimistic. It ain’t going to happen. Why not? Well, because we are fallen creatures, and broken human beings. And we inevitably hurt one another, even our closest friends. This is where that old saying comes from: “It’s the looks that gets them but it’s the personality that keeps them.

In other words, when you’re looking for a true friend, a soulmate, it is not enough to look for what Taylor Swift sang: “He’s the fella over there with the hella good hair.” Because the fella over there with the hella good hair will also get into fights and arguments and disagreements with you.

Or, you may be thinking: my family is a mess. Why can’t we be more like that other family, that always looks so loving, and peaceful, and happy, and has lots of money? But the truth of the matter is we all belong to the Adam’s Family. Remember that old T.V. show? We are all just a bunch of lovable monsters. Maybe you’ve seen the latest spin-off called “Wednesday.” In other words, all friendships have frustrations, all romances have rough patches, and all families are far from perfect. And even the fella over there with the hella good hair ain’t necessarily “Mr. Right” for you.

In the gospel today, Jesus warns his disciples to get ready for a rough ride, if they want to be his friends and followers. He says very soberly: “Amen, amen, I say to you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn into joy.” Notice how Jesus does not sugarcoat what it takes to be a saint. There will be struggles and sacrifices.

But there will also be joy, which will likely have to wait for heaven. That is why we say: “Working for Jesus doesn’t pay much, but the retirement plan is out of this world!” Just ask any Catholic school teacher. In other words, we might not get the fella over there with the hella good hair as our priest at Mass, but just an old bald priest with a beard like Sean Connery.

But that is the true nature of good friendships, real romance, authentic family life, and faithful discipleship. It is never easy. Like the Rolling Stones sang so wisely: “You don’t always get what you want, but you get what you need.” And what the world really needs is God’s grace, to help us through the rough ride called life.

Let me leave you with one last application of this lesson about realistic expectations for ourselves and for others. When I was young, I always focused on all the mistakes my parents made. And I thought very defiantly – and very arrogantly – when I grow up I am not going to make all those stupid mistakes that my parents made. Have you ever thought that? And in some ways we do things better than our parents did.

But in other ways, I have made far worse mistakes than they did. As I get older and I look back, I see all that they accomplished, and I am in awe of them. They moved their family to another country, far from their own family and friends. They started life from scratch. And they made great sacrifices for their three children. They were poor immigrants who sent their children to Catholic schools. I seriously doubt I would have been so courageous or so bold or trust so much in God, like they have.

I used to be embarrassed by my mom and dad. But today, there is no doubt they are my heroes. So, have a little more patience and a little more perspective when you judge your parents. They are not perfect, but neither are you. But they are a lot better than you think they are. You are not as good as you think you are. Have a little more realistic expectations about others, and yourself.

Praised be Jesus Christ!