Living Vicariously

Seeking the Father’s will

Matthew 20:20-23

Then the mother of the sons of Zebedee approached Jesus with her sons and did him homage, wishing to ask him for something. He said to her, “What do you wish?” She answered him, “Command that these two sons of mine sit, one at your right and the other at your left, in your kingdom.” Jesus said in reply, “You do not know what you are asking. Can you drink the chalice that I am going to drink?” They said to him, “We can.” He replied, “My chalice you will indeed drink, but to sit at my right and at my left, this is not mine to give but is for those for whom it has been prepared by my Father.”

             One of the perennial problems that parents face is trying to live “vicariously” through their children.  Now, maybe I have no business telling parents their business, since I don’t have any children of my own.  But you know, there are 6,000 people in Fort Smith who call me “Father,” so I’ll keep going!  Some parents live “vicariously” through their children’s lives; moms and dads feel that what their children get, somehow they get it, too!  And what their children don’t get, they don’t get!  How many horror stories are there of a dad who goes “postal” when his son strikes out in a little league baseball game, yelling and cursing at the umpire?  It’s almost as if the dad thinks it happened to him.  How many weddings are ruined by an overbearing mother of the bride because she couldn’t give her daughter the wedding that she never had?  I always wonder: “Whose wedding is this, anyway??”  Of course, parents immediately answer, “We’re doing all this for our children and their happiness!”  But I suspect there’s also a subtle selfish motivation below the surface.

             In the gospel today, we see another mother living vicariously through her sons.  The mother of James and John approaches Jesus and asks him to place her two boys in the seats of highest honor in the kingdom.  I’m sure if anyone had asked Mrs. Zebedee why she was making such a request, she’d answer, “It’s for my boys, of course!”  But don’t you think it was also a little bit for herself?  What her sons get, she also gets.  Jesus gentle corrects her, saying, “That’s not how this works. Those seats are reserved by my Father to assign as he pleases.”  In other words, Mrs. Zebedee, don’t live vicariously through your sons, but rather tell your boys to seek the place the Father has reserved for THEM.  They, too, have a special place, but it's not that one.  You see, God is the only Father who did not live vicariously through his Son – thinking his Son always deserved the best – but he let Jesus fulfill his mission by suffering and dying on the Cross.  The only way NOT to live vicariously through your children is to teach them to seek God’s will, rather than the will of their mother or father.

            You know, all parents want what’s best for their children.  My parents came half-way across the world to give their children the best in a new country.  Parents save and sacrifice to send their children to Catholic schools to give them the best education.  You give your children the best food, the best clothes, the best upbringing.  But are you sure you always know what’s best for them? Sometimes, maybe what’s best is for your son to strike out in the little league game so he'll learn how not be a sore loser.  Perhaps it’s best for your daughter to have a simple wedding, and not a wedding like William and Kate in Westminster Cathedral.  Maybe what's best is for your children is not to sit at Jesus' left and right in his kingdom.  Maybe what’s best is for your Son to die a shameful and humiliating death on the Cross.  Do you always know what's best for your children? 

             You see, the only way to stop that sinister selfishness of living vicariously through our children is to teach them to seek God’s will in their lives, and not their parents’ will.  Today, you try to do that with your kids, and I’ll try to do that with my 6,000 kids.

            Praised be Jesus Christ!