The Job of Marriage

Learning the lessons of love in Christian marriage

08/17/2018

Matthew 19:3-12 Some Pharisees approached Jesus, and tested him, saying, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause whatever?" He said in reply, "Have you not read that from the beginning the Creator made them male and female and said, For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, man must not separate." They said to him, "Then why did Moses command that the man give the woman a bill of divorce and dismiss her?" He said to them, "Because of the hardness of your hearts Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. I say to you, whoever divorces his wife (unless the marriage is unlawful) and marries another commits adultery." His disciples said to him, "If that is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry." He answered, "Not all can accept this word, but only those to whom that is granted. Some are incapable of marriage because they were born so; some, because they were made so by others; some, because they have renounced marriage for the sake of the Kingdom of heaven. Whoever can accept this ought to accept it."

Being Catholic is certainly not the “easy way” of being a Christian; it’s hard to be a Catholic. And the reason it’s hard is because we have some tough teachings. Catholics are not supposed to use contraception. Pope Francis recently said the death penalty is “unacceptable in all circumstances.” Catholics must be concerned for the immigrant and welcome refugees. We honor and venerate the Blessed Virgin Mary. We believe the pope is infallible. The Eucharist is truly the Body and Blood of Jesus. Oh, and did I mention that priests cannot get married? Sometimes so-called cradle Catholics take these tough teachings for granted – or we blithely ignore them – but every year in RCIA I discover their difficulty as new Catholics try to understand and embrace them.

But I believe the toughest of all teachings is on marriage. Catholics believe that you should be married to only one person until death do you part, until you are proverbially six feet under pushing up daisies. And if you don’t believe me, just as the sixty percent of people who divorce if marriage is not daunting and difficult. Part of what makes marriage so challenging is that the joy of marriage can make you overlook the job of marriage. Marriage was intended for your happiness but also for your holiness, to make you more like Jesus Christ. And what precisely is the job of marriage? The ultimate task of a husband or wife is to get their spouse to heaven. And the only way to enter the gates of heaven is if you have learned to love like Jesus, so eventually you can love Jesus himself. In other words, marriage was made to teach us not only how to love our spouse, but in the end to love Jesus.

Marriage expands our hearts – and our patience and humility and compassion – until our heart is as big as Jesus’ heart. You might say every earthly marriage is merely preparation for our heavenly marriage to Christ. The whole story of Sacred Scripture starts with a marriage – Adam and Eve in Genesis – and ends with a marriage – the Bride and the Lamb in Revelation: an earthly marriage ends in a heavenly marriage. And all the failures and faux pas along the way are all a lack of love. The whole point of the Bible, and the whole point of Christian marriage, is a pedagogy in love, otherwise we will feel like strangers in heaven, like we do not belong. That is the job of marriage you sign up for when you stand at the altar and say “I do.” Don’t let the joy cause you to forget the job.

This may shed some light on our Lord’s uncompromising words about marriage in Matthew 19. The Pharisees ask Jesus why Moses allowed divorce. And Jesus answers: “Because of the hardness of your heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.” Notice how Jesus reaches all the way back to the beginning of the Bible to explain the purpose of marriage: it is a pedagogy, an education, in love, so that we can love like Jesus, so that one day in heaven we can love Jesus himself. Our earthly marriage to Joe Shmoe or to Susie Q is intended to prepare us for the heavenly marriage to Jesus Christ.

This is how I understand my grueling work in the marriage tribunal with annulment ministry. The agonizing annulment process causes a lot of people to leave the Catholic Church because marriage is hard. But I try to gently remind them that maybe the joy of marriage made them momentarily lose sight of the job of marriage. On your wedding day you signed up for the hardest job in the world: trying to get your spouse to heaven, and in the bargain get yourself to heaven. In a sense, marriage is “Catholic cardiology” – heart surgery – so that our hearts are as big and beautiful as Jesus’ heart, or at least so they won’t be hard hearts like in the gospel.

Here’s another way to look at love in marriage. You know there are seven sacraments. But did you know they are traditionally divided into three categories or buckets? First the sacraments of initiation – baptism, confirmation and Communion. Second, the sacraments of healing – confession and anointing of the sick. And third, the sacraments of holy orders and marriage. When you marry someone you sign up for a service to your spouse and to the greater community. It is the service – the job – to get your spouse to heaven. In that sense, both priesthood and marriage provide the same service: getting people to heaven. But the only way to get into heaven is with a heart that loves like Jesus, not a hard heart.

The toughest teaching of Catholicism is contained in Matthew 19: monogamous, life-long marriage. And it’s tough precisely because even if you lose the joy, that does not mean you have lost your job.

Praised be Jesus Christ!