Failure to Launch

Learning how to mentor the next generation

06/17/2018

Mark 4:26-34 Jesus said to the crowds: “This is how it is with the kingdom of God; it is as if a man were to scatter seed on the land and would sleep and rise night and day and through it all the seed would sprout and grow, he knows not how. Of its own accord the land yields fruit, first the blade, then the ear, then the full grain in the ear. And when the grain is ripe, he wields the sickle at once, for the harvest has come.” He said, “To what shall we compare the kingdom of God, or what parable can we use for it? It is like a mustard seed that, when it is sown in the ground, is the smallest of all the seeds on the earth. But once it is sown, it springs up and becomes the largest of plants and puts forth large branches, so that the birds of the sky can dwell in its shade.” With many such parables he spoke the word to them as they were able to understand it. Without parables he did not speak to them, but to his own disciples he explained everything in private.

Recently I heard the craziest news story concerning a family feud in New York, but I believe the walls of that unhappy house hide a powerful life lesson. No doubt you have heard of the Rotondo family by now. Apparently, the parents, Mark and Christina Rotondo, have repeated told their 30 year-old son, Michael, to move out of the house and get a job, but he refused. They gave him several notices and even offered him $1,100 to help him find a new place, but he didn’t budge. Finally, the father wrote this note to his recalcitrant son: “After a discussion with your mother, we have decided you must leave this house immediately. You have 14 days to evacuate. You will not be allowed to return. We will take whatever actions are necessary to enforce this decision.” But even after that, Michael Rotondo stayed put. So, the parents took their son to court – the New York Supreme Court, no less – and the judge sided with the parents. Michael will have to leave his home. This is a perfect case study of what modern psychology terms “failure to launch.”

Now, we don’t know the details of the story and there are always extenuating circumstances, and no family wants their problems paraded through the papers for public consumption. But I can’t help feel a great deal of sympathy for the parents in this case. Let me explain why. It is the divinely appointed duty of parents to nurture and nourish their child with love and tenderness. That’s why we celebrated Mothers’ Day in May, because that softness falls to mothers who provide a gentle touch. But it is also the sworn responsibility of parents to make sure their children can survive and even thrive after the parents pass away. That’s why we celebrate Fathers’ Day in June, because it rests squarely on the sturdy shoulders of dads to show tough love, when the gentle nudge fails. The job of parents, therefore, is ultimately to help their children stop being children and ready to become parents themselves. Our parents mother us and father us so that one day we may grow up to be mothers and fathers ourselves. It seems Michael has learned plenty of softness from his mother, and maybe now he needs to learn some hardness from his father.

Jesus, too, is a wise teacher, and combines both the gentleness of a mother with the toughness of a father. We read in Mark 4 how he deals with the people, “With many such parables he spoke to them as they were able to understand it.” There we see our Lord’s compassion and condescension, lowering his lofty learning to the level of his listeners. But the next verse reads: “But to his own disciples he explained everything in private.” In other words, Jesus was preparing them for the day of his departure – how often he told them he would suffer and die. On that day they would no longer be learners but teachers. Disciple means learner, while apostle means teacher. Like Mr. Rotondo, Jesus was getting his disciples ready for their eviction from the House of Israel, so they could go out to all the world and teach Jesus’ lessons of love. Jesus made sure his apostles did not experience a failure to launch.

Suddenly, I find myself in the role of a sort of parent with the arrival of Fr. Stephen Elser, our baby priest.  Our parish has had a baby!  It’s kind of surprising the things I take for granted as a priest that I need to explain to him, like how to turn on the lights in the confessional, where the holy oils are for the anointing of the sick, how long his homilies should be. I told him his homilies should be at least 20 minutes long. That way people will like my homilies better. I have to muster up the gentleness of a mother and be patient with his questions. But if he doesn’t do what I say, I’ll be tough-nosed like Mr. Rotondo and give him 14 days to evacuate the rectory. No adult can escape the responsibility of raising the next generation, even celibate priests who don’t even have their own kids!

Today is Fathers’ Day in the United States and we honor and pray for our father-figures: whether they are biological fathers, or step-fathers, or foster-fathers, or absent fathers, or spiritual fathers, and we never forget our deceased fathers. It’s especially challenging to be a father today because we see such poor models of fatherhood on television or in the movies. Men who portray fathers are usually inept or incompetent, constantly criticized by their wives or cruelly controlled by their kids, and typically the butt of jokes. Most fathers can complain like the comedian Rodney Dangerfield used to say, “I don’t get no respect around here.” Maybe that’s one place we can begin to love our fathers: by restoring that respect that all fathers deserve and desire.

I watched a video clip of an interview with Michael Rotondo after the court decision. The reporter asked if Michael wanted to reconcile with his parents at some point. Michael blankly replied, “No.” His answer broke my heart. I’m reminded of St. Paul’s advice to parents and children in his letter to the Ephesians. The apostle to the gentiles wrote: “Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” And later he added: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up with the training and instruction in the Lord.” In other words, whatever we do as parents and as children, we should try to do “in the Lord.” That’s the best way to raise the next generation, and make sure they do not experience a failure to launch.

Praised be Jesus Christ!