Fear of Tears

Letting our tears teach us lessons of love

07/22/2017

John 20:1-2, 11-18 Mary stayed outside the tomb weeping. And as she wept, she bent over into the tomb and saw two angels in white sitting there, one at the head and one at the feet where the Body of Jesus had been. And they said to her, "Woman, why are you weeping?" She said to them, "They have taken my Lord, and I don't know where they laid him." When she had said this, she turned around and saw Jesus there, but did not know it was Jesus. Jesus said to her, "Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you looking for?" She thought it was the gardener and said to him, "Sir, if you carried him away, tell me where you laid him, and I will take him." Jesus said to her, "Mary!" She turned and said to him in Hebrew, "Rabbouni," which means Teacher. Jesus said to her, "Stop holding on to me, for I have not yet ascended to the Father. But go to my brothers and tell them, 'I am going to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.'" Mary Magdalene went and announced to the disciples, "I have seen the Lord," and then reported what he told her.

           Many years ago while I was still in seminary, I experienced one of the most grueling but also one of the most grace-filled moments of my life. I participated in a “Clinical Pastoral Experience” program (CPE, for short) and worked as a hospital chaplain. The hardest part of that program was group sessions, where we all sat in a circle and shared our feelings. I hated that part. Most of the time I tried to sit inconspicuously and slide my hand into my pants pocket and pray my rosary. But sooner or later everyone’s attention turns toward you, and you have to share your feelings; you become a sort of “emotional monkey in the middle.”

          I still shudder at how relentlessly they plied me with questions, asking why I said this, or why I felt that, or why I didn’t do something else, on and on they asked and wouldn’t stop. It felt like emotional waterboarding, torturing my heart. They kept probing deeper and deeper, peeling back layer after layer of my motivations and masks until I finally blurted out, “Because I love the Church!” and I burst into tears. It’s hard to convey how I felt at that moment, almost as if I stood there naked before that group of strangers, or at least my heart was naked, and I wept. But I learned that the tears were a sign of my deepest love. It wasn’t until I wept that I had touched the tap-root of my heart’s deepest desire. You see, they didn’t perform that emotional waterboarding so they could learn something, but so that I could learn something. I learned what I truly loved, because that’s what I would weep for. I also learned to overcome my fear of tears. I am convinced that summer CPE not only made me a better person, it would make me a better priest.

           In the gospel today, we see another sort of group therapy session, and Mary Magdalene is the fortunate monkey in the middle. First she is questioned by two angels, who probingly ask her: “Woman, why are you weeping?” Then Jesus appears and asks again, “Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you weeping for?” Little by little they help Mary to peel back the layers of her loves until she discovers her heart’s deepest desire: Jesus. She recognized Jesus, not as the gardener, but as her Lord and her Love. Of course, May was a lot faster in following the trail of her tears than I was. Tears flow when you touch your deepest feelings. After Mary embraced Jesus, her heart’s desire, she left the tomb calm and confident to share her Good News with the world. Having overcome her fear of tears, she became a better person, and even a better priest; after all, she’s called the “Apostle to the Apostles.”

           My friends, do you still suffer from a fear of tears? Do you feel awkward or embarrassed when someone cries, or even when you cry? Maybe you’ve witnessed weeping at a funeral, or while consoling someone who’s dealing with a divorce, or as you hold the hand of someone in the hospital. Or maybe you cried watching a sappy movie, or got choked up telling someone you love them. Instead of a fear of tears, may I suggest you learn to welcome them?  Tears are a sign of your heart’s deepest desires. I assure people who cry during counseling sessions with me that I consider that a compliment. Why? Well, weeping makes you feel vulnerable and that means you trust me enough to show me your heart. I remember very well that day many years ago when I felt vulnerable - indeed naked - crying in CPE. In other words, don’t fear your tears, but welcome them as harbingers of your heart’s love.

           Here’s the upshot: when you overcome your fear of tears, you will become not only a better person, but also a better priest. How so? You will be ready to share with the world the Good News of what you love the most.  And like Mary Magdalene, hopefully that will be Jesus.

Praised be Jesus Christ!